Monthly Archive for: ‘April, 2013’




If you want total security, go to prison…..
Dwight D. Eisenhower

I have always wanted to be daring and do something absolutely outrageous…but the truth is I fear the punishment.  I have read horror stories of what happens in prisons: brutality, rape, lousy plumbing…and I want none of it.  However, I am in the unenviable position of losing my house because it is under water and I am looking around for affordable housing for my declining years.  Unfortunately, the only shelter that is “affordable” for me on my pension is a used Yurt in the Andes or an abandoned cave in New Mexico.

Imagine my delight when I discovered the Maconochie Center, a prison in Canberra, Australia specifically designed to pamper lawbreakers with so much smother love that they realize the only way to have little fun is to obey the law and get out on parole.  The philosophy at Maconochie is that if you give love, you will receive it. I think that is a wonderful attitude.  It didn’t work for me with my two husbands, but it has been overwhelmingly successful with my dog.

The “guards” at the prison (called service providers) refer to the inmates as customers and do their best to give the darlings in their care whatever will make them feel wanted and secure.    If one of their customers is feeling a bit depressed, why not cheer him up with a couple gin and tonics, a shot of heroin and a little sniff of cocaine.  Whatever works as they say in the trade.

The residents at Maconochie Center live together in five bedroom cottages.  There is never a problem if a rapist cannot get along with the guy who strangled his baby.  Maconochie Center has mediators on call to help the boys (you KNOW they are boys) settle their differences.  Perhaps one of them needs a long walk in the country…where there are willing sheep?  Perhaps the other needs apple pie a la mode?  Who knows?  The staff at the center are there to help.

It sounds like a very fun place to live for me.   All I would have to do is grow a bit of cannabis in my yard before my foreclosure and sell it in a schoolyard.  If I wanted to be certain I could stay at this lovely place for the rest of my life (and after all, I am 80 years old.  How long can that be?)  I would have to toss someone around screaming “I am going to kill you!”  My mother said that to me often enough.  I know I can be convincing.  The good news is that I don’t actually have to plunge the knife into anyone’s heart…all I need to do in Australia is make the judge believe I really meant to do the deed.

The weather in Canberra is perfect for me.  You get four seasons, none too hot or too cold and at Maconochie there are endless opportunities to explore the outdoors.  I can use my computer at all hours and if I have a severe pain, I can get a prescription strong enough to use for recreation after the pain has disappeared.  But the best news of all is that there has been a rash of pregnancies at the center since it opened.  Why, I could finally have that baby I always wanted and not have to worry about dealing with the little sweetheart when it becomes a teenager.  By that time I will be long gone and the Maconochie service providers can take over.



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